Self-Esteem: What is it?

This is a common sense study.  Not one based on Maslow, nor on Branden or Rosenberg.  But to rubbish the theory as we have committed to doing one must be able to define it.  What is Self-Esteem?  The common sense encyclopedia of our age has this to say:

“Self-esteem is a term in psychology to reflect a person’s overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, “I am competent”, “I am worthy”) and emotions such as triumph, despair, pride and shame; some would distinguish how ‘the self-concept is what we think about the self; self-esteem, the positive or negative evaluation of the self, is how we feel about it’. ” ~Wikipedia on Self-Esteem

For me to summarize, Self-Esteem as I see it is the amount of value one places on ones’ self or the amount of love one has for ones’ self.

Read the entire Wiki entry for what a low Self-Esteem looks like and what a high one looks like and we can easily see the theory:  Perfect balance and harmony are found in a high Self-Esteem and the root of all harmful human behaviours lies in a low one.

Enter the NARCISSIST:

Narcissus

Narcissus, who loved the look of his own image so much he drowned in the pool of his own reflection, has so much to teach us on Self-Esteem.  Our same common sense encyclopedia points to narcissism as being an unhealthy self-love, self-absorption, vanity and conceit.

Have you ever been around a conceited person?  Was it much fun?

I went to university with a greek (coincidence, I promise) named Nic.  I am in no danger of him reading this blog and seeing himself in it because 1. it would take away from the quality time spent in his mirror, 2. he could never see himself as a narcissist – that means something negative right? Nah.  Not me – and 3. there are so many Greeks named Nic you could recreate the Great Wall of China if you stood them on each other.  Nic was a narcissist.  Classic.  His body was more perfect than a greek god’s (even if it was a little short), his mind was more brilliant than any human being alive (about as bright as midnight), and anyone who disagreed was simply unenlightened.  He had a healthy self-esteem alright – was the life of the party, didn’t suffer from any doubts, and did not in any way appear to feel the need to over-compensate.

Now, the psychologists will say “Deep down he has an aching need to belong, has many layers hiding his true feelings, and doubts his own value.  He has something to prove.”

Hitler - Perhaps one of the most famous Narcissists in our recent history

Nah.  The guy was obnoxious, but going through Wiki’s list of symptoms of a low Self-Esteem he didn’t match up.  He had no care about what others thought, was no people pleaser, was not hyper-sensitive or hyper-critical of himself, had no guilt or perfectionism (how could you improve on perfect?), and even though he was entirely obnoxious, he had no floating hostility.  He was a complete and perfect descendent of Narcissus.  Along with Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Jim Jones, Stalin, Casanova and Marquis de Sade.

Yet he was capable, like many narcissists, of countless ills.  His conceit was nauseating and entertaining for its shock value all at once.  He was invited to parties and events just to see what he would have the balls to say next.  He was convinced that any woman who wasn’t swept off her feet by his hello was in denial, blind, stupid, and certainly not worth the rest of the conversation.  Yet his Self-Esteem – fed by ingratiating, enabling and wholly entertained friends – was not only intact but thriving.

Looking at the other end of the spectrum…

Someone with a low Self-Esteem isn’t hard to find.  Every tortured artist and troubled celebrity wears their low self-esteem on their shoulder.  There are many who have rocked the world with their goodness despite having something close to hatred for themselves.  Princess Diana is a classic example – not one biography of her life fails to capture her self-doubt, her self harm, depression, bulimia and low Self-Esteem.

Princess Diana, a life testimony to low Self-Esteem not preventing one from doing good

Whitney Houston, the idol of many and valiant champion of love and music also harmed herself, doubted herself, made a masochist of herself.  Did she have the Self-Esteem the match the level of esteem the world had for her?  She certainly did not.  But she is mourned with broken hearts all over the earth today, a few weeks from her death.

There is also the far more balanced sense of self in the vision of Mother Theresa’s humility.  Someone who made herself low, determined she was but a tool for the work of God, cannot necessarily be seen to have had heaping amounts of Self-Esteem.  By her own admission she was always plagued with doubt, feared not being good enough for the ministry she was called to.

And so… in the journey of making rubbish of the theory that high Self-Esteem leads one to perfection and low Self-Esteem is the root of all evil, we have made the first decisive step toward our destination on the Leer Jet of narcissism and the hard Hike of self harm.  But there is something in the smoke of the theory that leads us to another fire altogether.  Keep an eye out for the next leg of our journey – the Train to Identity.

Related links:

Advertisements

P.O.I.S.O.N.

There is something dark and hungry lingering in popular culture today.  It is eating its followers one by one, taking them by overdose and heart attack, divorce and sex scandal, putting them in cells and graves and rehab centers and hospitals and mental institutions.  It is stalking and devouring, seducing and destroying, and the world sits enthralled by the drugged cotton candy of the rapist of its collective mind.

Another one hit the dust tonight.  The legendary Ms. Whitney Houston.  Songbird by trade and broken person in truth.  She is the latest of the giants to fall at 48 years old.  She was a mother, a wife, an addict, a fighter, an overcomer and then a victim.  A woman that should have been in her prime, a magnificent talent, a soul bruised and broken, chewed up and swallowed.

What is this beast stalking our mighty and tempting our children as we leave them in front of the television?  Is it the cocktail taken by Michael or the one taken by Amy?  Or is it the liquid sipped or powder inhaled by Lindsay?  What about the less fatal of these disasters – the golf club Tiger’s wife took to his face, the cursing Baldwin poured out over the phone to his little girl, the insane flight-of-thought ramblings of Charlie Sheen?

Pick your poison – something leads a person to a place where they drink it.  THAT’s the beast I’m talking about.  The thing inside that takes you to the dark side.  A pain, an inadequacy, a doubt, a guilt, a fear – all symptoms of the human condition.  And yet it is these inadequate human beings that our world chooses to worship…

One by one the leaders of entertainment entertain us with their venom-soaked death throes.  But not before getting into the minds of fatherless boys with ideas that manhood looks like five baby-mamas and a rap sheet.  And the minds of young professionals to say that they need a line of coke to relax.  Or tells the young woman that if she lets him into her body he will let her into his heart.  Of if he hits her he loves her (yes Whitney, honey, that was your message).  And hardworking people to say that honesty does not pay but holding up the corner store does.

It is poison and we sip it in the evenings with a bowl of popcorn and our feet up on the sofa after a long day at work.  Every time we turn on the TV.  Exposure to it infects us like any other communicable disease and spreads from the lyrics we cannot seem to get out of our heads to the words that come out of our mouths to the actions we commit only to poison others. 

Tonight an idol has died.  I will mourn Ms. Whitney – her Greatest Love of All was one of the first songs I learned to sing.  And she fought a hard battle with her own weaknesses.  I will mourn not only her beauty, her talent and her soul but the opportunity she missed to get it right and show the world by her example that there are paths other than the one that leads to a too cold, too young, too dead corpse on the hotel room floor.

May God have mercy and comfort for her family tonight.