Needy Woman

singleMY NEEDS ARE:

  • attention
  • acknowledgement
  • to feel like I am significant to someone who matters to me
  • stability
  • trust
  • quality time
  • matched intentions
  • recognition of my feelings, my thoughts, my stands
  • to be desired, wanted, TREASURED
  • to be cared for
  • to be treated like a lady
  • to feel feminine
  • (I could go on but I think you get it)

YES.  I said it.  I have needs.  These are mine.  They’re with me.

Isn’t it interesting how difficult it is for us Single Women to say that out loud?  And we know what our needs are.  But filling them in relationships often feels like an insurmountable task.

This morning, following a night of recognition of my unmet needs, I ask myself, and you, what is in the way?

I looked first to the party line – “I haven’t met a man who gets all of it and is ok with it.”  Really though?  Doesn’t just about every man have a corresponding list of human needs?  Weren’t we created with the intention of matching off eachother?  Many men are seeking that special someone to desire, to treasure, to give their attention to, whose trust and respect they crave to win, and whose intentions they seek to match.

In my own human experience I dug a little deeper.  So if it isn’t that I haven’t met a man who gets all of it and is ok with it all, then what is it?  And then I got it.

It’s not about the receiver not being open.

We just don’t throw the ball.

How many of us judge ourselves for having these needs?  I mean, who wants to be a NEEDY WOMAN?  Every day I see women punishing themselves for needing attention, for needing to be desired, for needing to feel significant to someone else.  I catch myself singing the same tune in my head, the modern tune of single women – you SHOULDN’T need these things!  Needing these things means I am broken.  And broken people do not deserve to be treasured, trusted, cared for, respected.  And needs are so unnattractive.

Right?  Sound familiar?

Honey, how NUTS is that?   How are we ever going to get those pesky needs that actually make us human met if we don’t accept them?

How can we expect anyone to believe that we deserve them to be met when we don’t feel that we deserve to have our needs met?

Who on earth would make a priority of filling a need of yours that you deny even exists?  Or believe shouldn’t exist?

I propose an experiment.  Single women out there, let’s try this out.  The next guy who is nice to you and strikes up a conversation in the supermarket, the bookstore, the coffee shop, the bar, find a way to weave it into the conversation.  “I am a woman, I have needs, and it is important to me to get those needs met.”

I’m curious to see what happens!  Please be sure to tell me.  I’ll go first – I will have that conversation with 5 men before Monday.

Happy Thursday – from Straight Up You

Posted today by a great coach I know on http://www.straightupyou.com/1/post/2013/02/happy-thursday.html

“Happy Thursday

Welp, it’s Valentines’ Day. If you’re single, you may be thinking:

F*&k this stupid holiday
Did I turn off the coffee pot?
It’s Singles Awareness Day. I’m gonna be really aware I’m single.
I’d like to be taken out for a nice piece of fish.
I wish people in relationships were banned from the Internet today.
It’s Thursday, right?

If it’s barely registering for you, great! You’ve managed to escape the media blitz. There are all kind of articles giving the uncoupled suggestions on how to deal with the holiday as a party of one. Things like: Take a bath! Get a massage! Cook dinner for a friend! Send yourself flowers! Have an anti-valentine’s day party!

Nothing wrong with these. But, they kind of all presume single people need help to get through the day. Like it’s a depressing landmark birthday ending in -0.

Here’s an alternative: Treat this like a Thursday. Any. Regular. Thursday. Your life hasn’t dramatically changed overnight. You’re no more single today than you were yesterday. Why spend any time feeling like you “should” be doing something to commemorate (or snub) this Hallmark holiday?

Listen, I’m all for love. And celebrating it. But if Feb 14th’s got your knickers in a twist, give yourself permission to not feel bad, or cynical and therefore not need to DO anything about it. If you’re like me and go to be early, it’ll be over in less than 12 hours!

Don’t make today mean anything about you. Live your life. Go to the gym. Or not. Get the panini you always get. Or not. Have a beer with friends after work. Or not! Head home and unplug your TV and computer and just read. Or watch a movie. Hit the hay and wake up thinking, “Ahhh, it’s Friday!”

You’re fabulous. You’re alive. Spring is just around the corner. And tomorrow is the weekend. YAY. :-)”

 

 

to dream of love…

It’s ok to dream of love –

to need is not to fail,

to want is not a weakness.

So why do I think ill

of it?  Ill of me?

Why is it that longing

feels ungrateful?

Does needing make me

incomplete?

Why does seeking seem

so faulty

naughty, even greedy?

Does wanting it all

make me needy?

But its ok to dream of love…

 

Isn’t it?

 

Does dreaming of love

put one in conflict

with loving ones own self?

Conflict

with ones own mental health?

In seeking there is

every chance

of never finding

sweet romance,

yet is that enough

to never seek it?

Or an excuse

never to be weak

and open to the hurt

of being human?

What matters more-

the pedestal

of lonely and unbreakable

uninvaded shore?

Or the chance

of being wounded

in the search,

sullied in the conquest,

with the unknown possibilities

of victory,

the prize of

the unshakable… Love?

 

It’s ok to dream of love…

 

to lose is to participate

rather than like a

damsel wait

and wilt, and wither thin.

The capstone on the vault

she entered without fault

buried for eternity therein

“for fear of doing any sin

she failed to do at all.”

 

Let it not be said of me!  I will dream of love.

 

Singular Truth

This blog began as an experiment, to record a story as it unfolded.  It began with a heartbreak and a haircut and was intended to track the journey to healing and a full flowing mane.  I have discovered many things along the way – bits and pieces of myself, my struggles, my beauty and my strength have to come to my conscious understanding.  A lot of lessons and experiences have made writing an interesting passtime.  But recent days have brought to the forefront a purpose.  A purpose to be TRUTH.

Truth is a difficult thing to face.  Particularly if facing it and speaking it could bring repurcussions and judgement from those around us.  It is a particularly difficult when the effects of it could land unsolicited on the lives of loved ones like husbands and children.  This is where I have found a major purpose and the advantage of singleness.  And what a discovery this has been!

I’M WIDE AWAKE!  I have a new understanding of what Paul had to say about singleness:

An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:34

What is the work of God?  Truth.  Truth is God’s business.  If I am unconcerned with the needs of a husband, I am free to speak and be truth.  If I am free of fear of what my husband will think or of any harm that might come to him from what I do or say or challenge in truth, I am able to make change happen.

It is our responsibility to live authentic lives.  Fear is what gives birth to falsehood.  Survival mechanisms and alter egos are designed to protect us from the side effects of being true.  But once we get to the place of fearlessness the sky is the limit and change is clay in our hands.

For the single this is a much easier journey.  Fear for ourselves is all we have to surpass.  And each of us has a calling to get past that fear and break out with some truth.

What is your purpose?  What is the truth that you are called to be?

I need a husband.

I know I know it’s been WEEKS!  It isn’t like me to miss a few days much less this many!  But I have a reasonable excuse.  14 hour days and Saturdays in the office are my excuse.  And I know it’s insane but it is for a time and for a purpose.  I’m tired, I dream about work, my laundry needs to be picked up from the cleaners, my shoes need to go to the cobblers,  I need to make a dentist appointment and take the garbage out and I just can’t get around to doing it.

The answer to all this is a husband.  I think I need one.  A big strong man who can take care of me and do the things that I don’t have time to do.  So that when I collapse into his arms at 9 o’clock he can say “honey I paid the bills today and went to the cleaners and I’m taking you to the dentist and the dogs have been fed and you can just lie here and be my woman right now.”

Sigh… bliss.

Now the idea was presented to one of my near and dear who suggested that, Bushy, what if he’s as busy as you are?  Then the conversation will go a lot more like this: “honey I got my PA to pay the bills today, there’s dinner in the kitchen and the housekeeper went to the cleaners and I’m taking you to the dentist in the morning, there’s a new Fendi bag on the counter that you’ve been wanting for weeks and the housekeeper fed and bathed and groomed the dogs and I’ve paid for it all so you can just lie here and be my woman right now.”

Another friend of mine heard this one out and made another valid suggestion.  What I really need is a wife.

FIGHT the FRUMP

It’s lunchtime and I’ve just remembered what day it is.  Today I’m supposed to do lunch with one of my best friends – a half-posh-whole-trendy lunch spot with perhaps a glass of wine and a roll of sushi, lots of fun and fashionable people.  I look down and take it all in:

  1. Cracked brown toe-nail polish (it was more of a taupe three weeks ago… no? Not good enough?),
  2. Clashing black patent flat sandals,
  3. New York & Co. gray slacks that would look great if they weren’t paired with…
  4. Red company polo shirt a shade faded and clashing more than the shoes with the cracked brown polish,
  5. No belt, and
  6. Heels that could grate cheese.

I don’t need to look up to remember that

  1. I have no makeup on,
  2. Eyebrows could use some painful tweezer time, and
  3. Curly mop hasn’t seen a blowdryer in months.

I’ve forgotten to Fight the Frump.

No, I’m not a Kardashian-following fashionista and have no desire to join the Plastic Pin-head Population.  But there are miles and miles of good real estate between Bimbo and Hobo.  And today I’m looking at a lunch that belongs on one side and looking like a bag lady that belongs on the other.  (Isn’t it amazing how three perfectly good items of clothing can go so badly wrong together?)

It doesn’t feel good, does it ladies?  Don’t pretend you don’t know – every one of us has done this.

Time for a kick up my own bum to get me out of the Raiments of Droll.  Here is how I plan to do it.

  1. Go for a run after work and open the pores.  Perhaps scare a few fat cells off at the same time.
  2. Do my own nails, rub my own heels, shave whatever needs disappearing and and buff back in some self-respect.
  3. Choose tonight, the night before tomorrow so I have no rushing excuses, something much more sassy from the professional side of the closet.
  4. Punish self by setting alarm 1/2 hour earlier to make time for makeup.
  5. Sexy underwear.
  6. Stilletos.
  7. The jewellry and perfume I usually save for special occasions.

Fighting like a champ.

REST

Isn't this just the image of an ideal resting spot? © Brent Mclennon

It is a fact that we often mistake for a baseless opinion and shelve behind the important things we need to do.  Like run a company, write a book, meet so-and-so for drinks so she can cry on your shoulder about her recent breakup, classes that we Single Women like to fill our time with on the premise of “self-improvement”.

There is no good excuse for running oneself into the ground.  Yet we find them and invent them and sell them as though they would gain us commission.  Why?

I’m sure the answer for every Single Woman is different in the details but it usually boils down to fear.  The fear of losing momentum, the fear of missing something, the fear of silence, of aloneness.  Pick one or mix them up, but fear wraps its frozen claws around us subtly at the thought of what our thoughts will say if we gave them the silence in which to speak.

SINGLE WOMAN LOVE THYSELF!

Your SELF is your own precious Ferrari, given to you and designed by God.  Let your thoughts speak.  Trust the good at the core of your gift to temper your quiet conversation.  Take a day, a few afternoons a week, and sit in your own company at rest with your Self.  It is a very important relationship to maintain, this relationship with ones Self.  It will determine how you live, how fulfilled you will be and the direction in which you will go.  How can you have your dreams come true if you can’t take the time to actually find out what they are?

In Eat. Pray. Love., Liz describes the first time she actually meditated.  It excited her beyond her expectations and she has made meditation a daily practice in her life.  Sure, her New Age beliefs are not for everyone but the concept remains the same.  Spend some time letting the quietest of your thoughts do the talking and perhaps you too will discover profound truths within yourself.

It is no secret that regular and quality rest can add years to your life.  Sleep studies and stress tests are increasingly coming upon new information on the benefits of rest and the damage that the lack of it can do to your health.  Many of today’s most common diseases are stress triggered and avoidable.  Certainly we aren’t aiming for a quick race to the grave, are we ladies!

But what is rest?  The opposite of labour is the idea given by Jesus (“Come unto me all ye that labour and I will give thee rest”).

rest

noun

1.  the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night’s rest.
2.  refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor: to allow an hour for rest
3.  relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.
4.  a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity: to go away for a rest.
5.  mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity.
In all of these there is a quieting of the mind and a gentle run of thought akin to the flipping of magazine pages and looking at the pictures (contrary to closely examining the text of a volume of the US tax code).  Eight hours of sleep is not your only option.  I find rest in many places like the chaise side of my sofa with a blanket over my legs, a cup of tea on the table, and a sleeping dog on either side.  I find rest in the hammock on my back porch with a good book.  In yoga, in meditation, in a boat ride, tanning by the pool, walking the dogs.  I find rest in long drives and beach walks.
Today I invite you to think about what rest looks like to you.  And embrace it!