Needy Woman

singleMY NEEDS ARE:

  • attention
  • acknowledgement
  • to feel like I am significant to someone who matters to me
  • stability
  • trust
  • quality time
  • matched intentions
  • recognition of my feelings, my thoughts, my stands
  • to be desired, wanted, TREASURED
  • to be cared for
  • to be treated like a lady
  • to feel feminine
  • (I could go on but I think you get it)

YES.  I said it.  I have needs.  These are mine.  They’re with me.

Isn’t it interesting how difficult it is for us Single Women to say that out loud?  And we know what our needs are.  But filling them in relationships often feels like an insurmountable task.

This morning, following a night of recognition of my unmet needs, I ask myself, and you, what is in the way?

I looked first to the party line – “I haven’t met a man who gets all of it and is ok with it.”  Really though?  Doesn’t just about every man have a corresponding list of human needs?  Weren’t we created with the intention of matching off eachother?  Many men are seeking that special someone to desire, to treasure, to give their attention to, whose trust and respect they crave to win, and whose intentions they seek to match.

In my own human experience I dug a little deeper.  So if it isn’t that I haven’t met a man who gets all of it and is ok with it all, then what is it?  And then I got it.

It’s not about the receiver not being open.

We just don’t throw the ball.

How many of us judge ourselves for having these needs?  I mean, who wants to be a NEEDY WOMAN?  Every day I see women punishing themselves for needing attention, for needing to be desired, for needing to feel significant to someone else.  I catch myself singing the same tune in my head, the modern tune of single women – you SHOULDN’T need these things!  Needing these things means I am broken.  And broken people do not deserve to be treasured, trusted, cared for, respected.  And needs are so unnattractive.

Right?  Sound familiar?

Honey, how NUTS is that?   How are we ever going to get those pesky needs that actually make us human met if we don’t accept them?

How can we expect anyone to believe that we deserve them to be met when we don’t feel that we deserve to have our needs met?

Who on earth would make a priority of filling a need of yours that you deny even exists?  Or believe shouldn’t exist?

I propose an experiment.  Single women out there, let’s try this out.  The next guy who is nice to you and strikes up a conversation in the supermarket, the bookstore, the coffee shop, the bar, find a way to weave it into the conversation.  “I am a woman, I have needs, and it is important to me to get those needs met.”

I’m curious to see what happens!  Please be sure to tell me.  I’ll go first – I will have that conversation with 5 men before Monday.

Happy Thursday – from Straight Up You

Posted today by a great coach I know on http://www.straightupyou.com/1/post/2013/02/happy-thursday.html

“Happy Thursday

Welp, it’s Valentines’ Day. If you’re single, you may be thinking:

F*&k this stupid holiday
Did I turn off the coffee pot?
It’s Singles Awareness Day. I’m gonna be really aware I’m single.
I’d like to be taken out for a nice piece of fish.
I wish people in relationships were banned from the Internet today.
It’s Thursday, right?

If it’s barely registering for you, great! You’ve managed to escape the media blitz. There are all kind of articles giving the uncoupled suggestions on how to deal with the holiday as a party of one. Things like: Take a bath! Get a massage! Cook dinner for a friend! Send yourself flowers! Have an anti-valentine’s day party!

Nothing wrong with these. But, they kind of all presume single people need help to get through the day. Like it’s a depressing landmark birthday ending in -0.

Here’s an alternative: Treat this like a Thursday. Any. Regular. Thursday. Your life hasn’t dramatically changed overnight. You’re no more single today than you were yesterday. Why spend any time feeling like you “should” be doing something to commemorate (or snub) this Hallmark holiday?

Listen, I’m all for love. And celebrating it. But if Feb 14th’s got your knickers in a twist, give yourself permission to not feel bad, or cynical and therefore not need to DO anything about it. If you’re like me and go to be early, it’ll be over in less than 12 hours!

Don’t make today mean anything about you. Live your life. Go to the gym. Or not. Get the panini you always get. Or not. Have a beer with friends after work. Or not! Head home and unplug your TV and computer and just read. Or watch a movie. Hit the hay and wake up thinking, “Ahhh, it’s Friday!”

You’re fabulous. You’re alive. Spring is just around the corner. And tomorrow is the weekend. YAY. :-)”

 

 

to dream of love…

It’s ok to dream of love –

to need is not to fail,

to want is not a weakness.

So why do I think ill

of it?  Ill of me?

Why is it that longing

feels ungrateful?

Does needing make me

incomplete?

Why does seeking seem

so faulty

naughty, even greedy?

Does wanting it all

make me needy?

But its ok to dream of love…

 

Isn’t it?

 

Does dreaming of love

put one in conflict

with loving ones own self?

Conflict

with ones own mental health?

In seeking there is

every chance

of never finding

sweet romance,

yet is that enough

to never seek it?

Or an excuse

never to be weak

and open to the hurt

of being human?

What matters more-

the pedestal

of lonely and unbreakable

uninvaded shore?

Or the chance

of being wounded

in the search,

sullied in the conquest,

with the unknown possibilities

of victory,

the prize of

the unshakable… Love?

 

It’s ok to dream of love…

 

to lose is to participate

rather than like a

damsel wait

and wilt, and wither thin.

The capstone on the vault

she entered without fault

buried for eternity therein

“for fear of doing any sin

she failed to do at all.”

 

Let it not be said of me!  I will dream of love.

 

Singular Truth

This blog began as an experiment, to record a story as it unfolded.  It began with a heartbreak and a haircut and was intended to track the journey to healing and a full flowing mane.  I have discovered many things along the way – bits and pieces of myself, my struggles, my beauty and my strength have to come to my conscious understanding.  A lot of lessons and experiences have made writing an interesting passtime.  But recent days have brought to the forefront a purpose.  A purpose to be TRUTH.

Truth is a difficult thing to face.  Particularly if facing it and speaking it could bring repurcussions and judgement from those around us.  It is a particularly difficult when the effects of it could land unsolicited on the lives of loved ones like husbands and children.  This is where I have found a major purpose and the advantage of singleness.  And what a discovery this has been!

I’M WIDE AWAKE!  I have a new understanding of what Paul had to say about singleness:

An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:34

What is the work of God?  Truth.  Truth is God’s business.  If I am unconcerned with the needs of a husband, I am free to speak and be truth.  If I am free of fear of what my husband will think or of any harm that might come to him from what I do or say or challenge in truth, I am able to make change happen.

It is our responsibility to live authentic lives.  Fear is what gives birth to falsehood.  Survival mechanisms and alter egos are designed to protect us from the side effects of being true.  But once we get to the place of fearlessness the sky is the limit and change is clay in our hands.

For the single this is a much easier journey.  Fear for ourselves is all we have to surpass.  And each of us has a calling to get past that fear and break out with some truth.

What is your purpose?  What is the truth that you are called to be?

I need a husband.

I know I know it’s been WEEKS!  It isn’t like me to miss a few days much less this many!  But I have a reasonable excuse.  14 hour days and Saturdays in the office are my excuse.  And I know it’s insane but it is for a time and for a purpose.  I’m tired, I dream about work, my laundry needs to be picked up from the cleaners, my shoes need to go to the cobblers,  I need to make a dentist appointment and take the garbage out and I just can’t get around to doing it.

The answer to all this is a husband.  I think I need one.  A big strong man who can take care of me and do the things that I don’t have time to do.  So that when I collapse into his arms at 9 o’clock he can say “honey I paid the bills today and went to the cleaners and I’m taking you to the dentist and the dogs have been fed and you can just lie here and be my woman right now.”

Sigh… bliss.

Now the idea was presented to one of my near and dear who suggested that, Bushy, what if he’s as busy as you are?  Then the conversation will go a lot more like this: “honey I got my PA to pay the bills today, there’s dinner in the kitchen and the housekeeper went to the cleaners and I’m taking you to the dentist in the morning, there’s a new Fendi bag on the counter that you’ve been wanting for weeks and the housekeeper fed and bathed and groomed the dogs and I’ve paid for it all so you can just lie here and be my woman right now.”

Another friend of mine heard this one out and made another valid suggestion.  What I really need is a wife.

FIGHT the FRUMP

It’s lunchtime and I’ve just remembered what day it is.  Today I’m supposed to do lunch with one of my best friends – a half-posh-whole-trendy lunch spot with perhaps a glass of wine and a roll of sushi, lots of fun and fashionable people.  I look down and take it all in:

  1. Cracked brown toe-nail polish (it was more of a taupe three weeks ago… no? Not good enough?),
  2. Clashing black patent flat sandals,
  3. New York & Co. gray slacks that would look great if they weren’t paired with…
  4. Red company polo shirt a shade faded and clashing more than the shoes with the cracked brown polish,
  5. No belt, and
  6. Heels that could grate cheese.

I don’t need to look up to remember that

  1. I have no makeup on,
  2. Eyebrows could use some painful tweezer time, and
  3. Curly mop hasn’t seen a blowdryer in months.

I’ve forgotten to Fight the Frump.

No, I’m not a Kardashian-following fashionista and have no desire to join the Plastic Pin-head Population.  But there are miles and miles of good real estate between Bimbo and Hobo.  And today I’m looking at a lunch that belongs on one side and looking like a bag lady that belongs on the other.  (Isn’t it amazing how three perfectly good items of clothing can go so badly wrong together?)

It doesn’t feel good, does it ladies?  Don’t pretend you don’t know – every one of us has done this.

Time for a kick up my own bum to get me out of the Raiments of Droll.  Here is how I plan to do it.

  1. Go for a run after work and open the pores.  Perhaps scare a few fat cells off at the same time.
  2. Do my own nails, rub my own heels, shave whatever needs disappearing and and buff back in some self-respect.
  3. Choose tonight, the night before tomorrow so I have no rushing excuses, something much more sassy from the professional side of the closet.
  4. Punish self by setting alarm 1/2 hour earlier to make time for makeup.
  5. Sexy underwear.
  6. Stilletos.
  7. The jewellry and perfume I usually save for special occasions.

Fighting like a champ.

REST

Isn't this just the image of an ideal resting spot? © Brent Mclennon

It is a fact that we often mistake for a baseless opinion and shelve behind the important things we need to do.  Like run a company, write a book, meet so-and-so for drinks so she can cry on your shoulder about her recent breakup, classes that we Single Women like to fill our time with on the premise of “self-improvement”.

There is no good excuse for running oneself into the ground.  Yet we find them and invent them and sell them as though they would gain us commission.  Why?

I’m sure the answer for every Single Woman is different in the details but it usually boils down to fear.  The fear of losing momentum, the fear of missing something, the fear of silence, of aloneness.  Pick one or mix them up, but fear wraps its frozen claws around us subtly at the thought of what our thoughts will say if we gave them the silence in which to speak.

SINGLE WOMAN LOVE THYSELF!

Your SELF is your own precious Ferrari, given to you and designed by God.  Let your thoughts speak.  Trust the good at the core of your gift to temper your quiet conversation.  Take a day, a few afternoons a week, and sit in your own company at rest with your Self.  It is a very important relationship to maintain, this relationship with ones Self.  It will determine how you live, how fulfilled you will be and the direction in which you will go.  How can you have your dreams come true if you can’t take the time to actually find out what they are?

In Eat. Pray. Love., Liz describes the first time she actually meditated.  It excited her beyond her expectations and she has made meditation a daily practice in her life.  Sure, her New Age beliefs are not for everyone but the concept remains the same.  Spend some time letting the quietest of your thoughts do the talking and perhaps you too will discover profound truths within yourself.

It is no secret that regular and quality rest can add years to your life.  Sleep studies and stress tests are increasingly coming upon new information on the benefits of rest and the damage that the lack of it can do to your health.  Many of today’s most common diseases are stress triggered and avoidable.  Certainly we aren’t aiming for a quick race to the grave, are we ladies!

But what is rest?  The opposite of labour is the idea given by Jesus (“Come unto me all ye that labour and I will give thee rest”).

rest

noun

1.  the refreshing quiet or repose of sleep: a good night’s rest.
2.  refreshing ease or inactivity after exertion or labor: to allow an hour for rest
3.  relief or freedom, especially from anything that wearies, troubles, or disturbs.
4.  a period or interval of inactivity, repose, solitude, or tranquillity: to go away for a rest.
5.  mental or spiritual calm; tranquillity.
In all of these there is a quieting of the mind and a gentle run of thought akin to the flipping of magazine pages and looking at the pictures (contrary to closely examining the text of a volume of the US tax code).  Eight hours of sleep is not your only option.  I find rest in many places like the chaise side of my sofa with a blanket over my legs, a cup of tea on the table, and a sleeping dog on either side.  I find rest in the hammock on my back porch with a good book.  In yoga, in meditation, in a boat ride, tanning by the pool, walking the dogs.  I find rest in long drives and beach walks.
Today I invite you to think about what rest looks like to you.  And embrace it!

The Stiletto

Size does matter.  The heel must be no less than four inches long and fine pointed.  She must feel her thighs tighten, her toes stretch, and her bottom go POP.  Her back is that much straighter, her walk is that much more sassy, and her sexy underwear cannot compare to the power of The Stiletto.

“You put high heels on and you change.”

~Manolo Blahnik

Known, for obvious reasons, as f***-me shoes, anything over four inches on your feet brings out the best in every leg.  No matter how thin, how old, how young, or how voluptuous that leg may be.  This is the piece of clothing that is for every shape and size.  It simply screams WOMAN.

The only lingerie that is socially acceptable for public wear, it is the completion of every outfit.  When a woman wakes up in the morning, does her hair, sprays perfume in the right places, slips into some lacy undergarments and shrugs herself into today’s silk or satin, this is the only thing that seals the deal.  There is a feeling of completion when she slides pedicured toes and stands her smooth heel into the determined feminine arch of The Stiletto.

Red Bottoms from Christian Louboutin – Lingerie you can wear in public!

As every Single Woman knows (and I have told her) the lacy underwear isn’t about him.  It’s about how it makes you feel.  This does NOT apply to The Stiletto.  The Stiletto is for the benefit of EVERYONE in a five-mile radius of her power sashay.

Stiletto Stories – As if you needed proof…

    1. Cinderella  –  Wait…don’t tell me you thought those slippers were flat!
    2. Marilyn Munroe – “I don’t know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.”
    3. In Her Shoes – even the most nerdy of sisters can wear her kinky side on her feet.
    4. Meg Ryan – “When I wear high heels I have a great vocabulary and I speak in paragraphs.  I’m more eloquent.”
    5. Kellie Pickler – The song is Red High Heels.  Breakup song that needs to be added to the list!
    6. The Devil Wears Prada – Or Christian Louboutin.  Watch it.
    7. There is an entertainment company called Stiletto Entertainment – not named by accident.  Designed for success
    8. Tori Spelling – “Sometimes, when I’m alone, I put on six-inch heels and wear nothing else and dance around in front of the mirror and do my little stripper dance” (I KNEW I liked that girl!)
    9. Sex And The City – Carrie’s obssession with the Manolo Blahnik is legendary
    10. Keri Hilson – Look for her song High Heels!

The list goes on and on… but you get it.

If you don’t have a pair of these in your closet, you have 24 hours to fix that grave error.  GO!

To Know Why She Is Here

The answer isn’t found within anyone else.  You haven’t found yourself in singleness because the last one cheated or because you haven’t met the next one.  What is your reason really?

But before you ask yourself the question, why is it important to know the answer?

Every moment in your life has a purpose.  You have arrived at the destination of Today haven taken the train of Yesterday and now have to make the decision as to which train you will take into Tomorrow.  This decision is a crucial one, one that should not be taken lightly.  The wrong train will take you into danger and harm.  The not-so-wrong-but-not-really-right train will take you into uncertainty, doubt and boredom.  The right train will take you into confidence and success.  You want to have a good idea of what train you are on before you board it, don’t you?

This is why it is important to know where you are departing from.  Get to know your present, your Today, because in your Today are the clues as to what train you should take into Tomorrow.

So let’s talk about today.  Today you are a Single Woman.  Why is that?  If you struggle for an answer, try this exercise.  What is good about being a Single Woman?  Write a list.  What is bad about it?  Write another list.  Be very honest with yourself.  Don’t make any judgements, just let it flow.  Be open and clear and authentic in the creation of both these lists.  No one has to see this but you.  When you are done put the two lists together and you will have a rounded view of where you are on your emotional map.  This is where you are.  In finding where you are you should be able to see the Why of it – the purpose for being here.

This morning I, Bushlings, am a Single Woman.  The good things I have found about being single are…

  1. I get to sleep without anyone else’s snores, don’t have to share the bathroom or any of my space.  My space is my own.
  2. My money is also my own.  I don’t have to consider anyone else in making my financial goals or decisions.
  3. I have the time to do the things I have always wanted to do.  Like maintain a blog, sing in a band, travel when I feel like it, go dancing when the mood hits me.
  4. In singleness I am not vulnerable to being deeply hurt by a partner.  This is perhaps the greatest of my good things about being single.  If I am single no man can cheat on me.  If I am single I cannot be taken for granted by a man.  If I am single I will not be hurt by a man’s inattention.
  5. There is so much space for growth I can focus much more clearly on the things about me that I would like to fix without having to spend time navigating around another’s flaws.

The bad things I have found about being single are…

  1. There are times of loneliness when I could use a cuddle and there isn’t anyone there to be that person that I cuddle with.
  2. Fear of a future alone is something that pops up occasionally.  Growing old alone is not an attractive option.
  3. Maybe one day I will want children.  Perhaps if I am single too long I might eliminate that possibility.

…I can’t really think of any more.  But I suppose those three are big enough.

From this I have learned that my reason for being single is that I want to heal and grow.  I don’t wish for it to last forever but there are great benefits to this time that I am here to receive.  Knowing this about my Today will inform my decisions.  What train should I take into Tomorrow?  Perhaps I should go back to school or maybe exploring new hobbies is enough for my growth.  Learning about how to  heal my wounds and giving time for my anger at the wound-makers of my past to ebb away should probably be the focus of my reading and my explorations.  As I heal and grow I see more clearly the purpose of my singleness – Why continue to battle when I am wounded?

As you do your list you may discover that you want your Tomorrow to look like your Today – perhaps you want to be single forever?  Perhaps you are over your wounds and unwilling to go back into battle at all?  Perhaps you are considering a relationship and determine it to be the best way into your tomorrow?  What do your lists look like?  What is the purpose of your Today?

Someone she can be nice to

From the time our breasts were budding and our waists were sliding into curves, we Single Women have been targeted by the attentions of men. We learn to say “No” at a very early age and repeat that word over and over every week, sometimes every day, and for some of us every waking hour. We are defensive. This is a statement of fact.

Our history of self-defense begins as early as age ten and carries on into our last breath. In the majority of cases, where we have said “Yes” instead of “No” we have entered into dangerous territory and have come out hurt and damaged. More belligerent in our self-defense with a new edge to our “No”.

But let’s face a fact today – every Single Woman yearns for someone she can be nice to. Someone she doesn’t have to defend her mind, her heart and her body against. She wants to have a conversation with someone who looks her in the eye and not the bra, with someone who makes her smile with good humor, and with someone she can give of her own free will some of her sweetness to without fear that it will come back to haunt her.

And she finds this person in many places – the gay best friend, girlfriends, other people’s children, a platonic husband, a dog. They receive her kindnesses and enrich her life with their joy and their kindnesses in turn. Without these receivers a Single Woman’s life would mean far less to her. She has an innate need to remain true to her essence and not be completely absorbed by her defense. She can trust them with the best of her, to receive her gifts with grace and without calculation.

Finally, just about every Single Woman will admit to you, if she is honest, one profound truth. If she ever meets a single, attractive, heterosexual male she feels she can safely be nice to, she will never leave his side.