Best laid plans fail. Everything hurtled to a halt yesterday and I am in a complete C.R.I.S.I.S. Four things broke, snowballing from small things to the final earthquake that may or may not shake my world for a while.
1. Lola broke Snow White. My first orchid. My little dog, beautiful and innocent looking, chewed off her blooms and snapped her stalk in two. It shocked me and upset me. But not as much as the second thing that broke.
2. My time budget was stretched to the point of breaking. The week of work was so intense that I put off errands and meetings and dates to Saturday and Saturday came with too few hours to get everything done. But more important things broke.
3. I broke my commitment to post every day. Two months of writing every single morning and sharing with the world fell victim to my poor time management and the crisis I now find myself in.
4. The Crisis. The third thing I broke. I have broken my resolution. And I don’t know when it happened or how it happened but it did happen. Yesterday is when I realized for the past several months there has been an elephant in the room of my head. Perhaps it started as a mouse and then became an elephant calf. But by the time I became aware of its presence it was an adult elephant, taking up space in my head and being ignored.
I have been lying to myself. I am, and for some time have been, emotionally affected by a man.
There. I said it. And even still I am lying. Affected is such a euphemism. So much so that it isn’t true. I have no idea how big this is but right now, like the sky, it is ALL I CAN SEE. What I have convinced myself for months was a mild irritation with someone I convinced myself was a friend I am absolutely not attracted to turned out to be something completely different. My hair has been an excuse and even that was employed to perpetuate lies I told myself. I cut it again in order to keep avoiding this thing that completely terrifies me.
Today I have an apology to make because not only did I lie to myself, I lied every day on this blog. I didn’t know I was lying, of course, but I wasn’t authentic, I haven’t been true to my nature. Honesty is a thing I value above almost every other thing and today I am humbly coming clean.
For months I have run circles around myself. I have run from him and from my own truth. I have employed survival mechanism after survival mechanism and avoided the essence of who I am in this place in which I find myself. I have severed ties (he didn’t let me), fought tooth and nail for my space (he won), argued (he argued better) and denied everything. I have despised and ill-treated him as he worked around me to be my friend. All without even realizing what I was doing.
And then yesterday the clouds parted. And I am completely terrified. I feel like I have failed. I am overwhelmed by the need to run. Fast.
But I have no idea what the right thing to do is. Do I run TO or do I run FROM?
For the moment I will freeze. And pray. Perhaps the feeling will pass.