All my friends think I’m lonely…

On a music kick this week!  Sorry guys… will write something fascinating next week. This is Je’kob – used to be part of a favorite group of mine with his brother and sister.

Not a message guys I promise… I need friends even if gorgeous Je’kob doesn’t.

Snip Snip… Again

This time it was for me.  A little trim.  A bit of pep in my step and breeze on my neck.  Not as short as the last one but a little step backward.  Or forward.  Or not at all.

Perhaps I have learned there is so much to say and that my hair grows so fast that I have given myself too little time…?

For those who have followed my blog, you know what I am about to explain to newcomers.  The Singlestream came into being with the Resolution that I will remain single until my hair falls to my shoulders again and that I will publish an entry for this blog every day of this period.  A sabbatical one might say.  A break from the rollercoaster of mate-finding to find meaning and purpose within my own space.

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

tienne Balsan, Coco avant Chanel

It could be a sign of progress on this journey that I feel so confident and satisfied that I cut my hair and extended the period.  Perhaps I’ll get to love it here and make it my forever home.  Maybe I will find a way to face and eliminate the fears and negatives I see in singleness enough to stay here forever.  Even if I don’t, the journey has been worth it.

Today my head is light, I look good, I feel confident, and I am happy to write a little longer.

Haircut = $50

The confidence and growth it represents = PRICELESS

To Know Why She Is Here

The answer isn’t found within anyone else.  You haven’t found yourself in singleness because the last one cheated or because you haven’t met the next one.  What is your reason really?

But before you ask yourself the question, why is it important to know the answer?

Every moment in your life has a purpose.  You have arrived at the destination of Today haven taken the train of Yesterday and now have to make the decision as to which train you will take into Tomorrow.  This decision is a crucial one, one that should not be taken lightly.  The wrong train will take you into danger and harm.  The not-so-wrong-but-not-really-right train will take you into uncertainty, doubt and boredom.  The right train will take you into confidence and success.  You want to have a good idea of what train you are on before you board it, don’t you?

This is why it is important to know where you are departing from.  Get to know your present, your Today, because in your Today are the clues as to what train you should take into Tomorrow.

So let’s talk about today.  Today you are a Single Woman.  Why is that?  If you struggle for an answer, try this exercise.  What is good about being a Single Woman?  Write a list.  What is bad about it?  Write another list.  Be very honest with yourself.  Don’t make any judgements, just let it flow.  Be open and clear and authentic in the creation of both these lists.  No one has to see this but you.  When you are done put the two lists together and you will have a rounded view of where you are on your emotional map.  This is where you are.  In finding where you are you should be able to see the Why of it – the purpose for being here.

This morning I, Bushlings, am a Single Woman.  The good things I have found about being single are…

  1. I get to sleep without anyone else’s snores, don’t have to share the bathroom or any of my space.  My space is my own.
  2. My money is also my own.  I don’t have to consider anyone else in making my financial goals or decisions.
  3. I have the time to do the things I have always wanted to do.  Like maintain a blog, sing in a band, travel when I feel like it, go dancing when the mood hits me.
  4. In singleness I am not vulnerable to being deeply hurt by a partner.  This is perhaps the greatest of my good things about being single.  If I am single no man can cheat on me.  If I am single I cannot be taken for granted by a man.  If I am single I will not be hurt by a man’s inattention.
  5. There is so much space for growth I can focus much more clearly on the things about me that I would like to fix without having to spend time navigating around another’s flaws.

The bad things I have found about being single are…

  1. There are times of loneliness when I could use a cuddle and there isn’t anyone there to be that person that I cuddle with.
  2. Fear of a future alone is something that pops up occasionally.  Growing old alone is not an attractive option.
  3. Maybe one day I will want children.  Perhaps if I am single too long I might eliminate that possibility.

…I can’t really think of any more.  But I suppose those three are big enough.

From this I have learned that my reason for being single is that I want to heal and grow.  I don’t wish for it to last forever but there are great benefits to this time that I am here to receive.  Knowing this about my Today will inform my decisions.  What train should I take into Tomorrow?  Perhaps I should go back to school or maybe exploring new hobbies is enough for my growth.  Learning about how to  heal my wounds and giving time for my anger at the wound-makers of my past to ebb away should probably be the focus of my reading and my explorations.  As I heal and grow I see more clearly the purpose of my singleness – Why continue to battle when I am wounded?

As you do your list you may discover that you want your Tomorrow to look like your Today – perhaps you want to be single forever?  Perhaps you are over your wounds and unwilling to go back into battle at all?  Perhaps you are considering a relationship and determine it to be the best way into your tomorrow?  What do your lists look like?  What is the purpose of your Today?

The First 28

“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?  Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” ~Tao-te-Ching 

28 things I have learned in the first 28 days of Singlestreaming:

  1. I need to have objective goals.  This blog has been an experiment in goal-setting and keeping to a resolution.  It is an experiment that has worked.  My goals need to be objective and tied together in bundles in order for them not to be forgotten.
  2. I am batshit crazy for signing up to parade and dance my not so smexy self in Trinidad Carnival 2012.
  3. Migraines can offer inspiration.  It was out of the depths of a migraine that this idea came to me.  And the STAR Singlestream was born.
  4. My friends are amazing people.  The friends who have been here forever, the ones here only for a time,  and the ones I have met through this blog online – they are amazing individuals.  The hugs of God, with unique features, ideas and purposes.  And I am honoured that they take the time out once in a while to share their amazingness with me.
  5. “The world of men won’t be shunned over one asshole’s trickery.” Something I learned from a blogger called cantankerouscanuck
  6. I love to write.  This I have known for some time but I had no idea how crazy-big my love is!  My whole brain is changing into a writers’ brain.  I have committed to post every day – be it goofy musings like the half-naked cat on the walk of shame or the bringing to life of my angst, mirth, constant streaming thoughts.  And it is changing me.  I am looking at each event in the world with the eye of a storyteller, putting together in my head how I would write this moment down.
  7. I hate laundry.  It is taking time out of my writing.
  8. With the joy of blogging comes great responsibility.  To the people in my life, I will be careful with your truths.  You will be handled with honour and respect.
  9. I love to read.  This I have always known but I am a traditionalist, a purist.  I love books – hard cover and paperback.  The kindle has been in my top drawer for a few months and has its uses but my attachment to paper is loyal, fierce, and reinforced by countless amazing memories.  But the world of blogs and the internet are taking a new part of my heart.  What rich loam and verdant vegetation there is out there to gorge on!
  10. The computer age is catching me.  I’m not as backward as I thought.  It turns out the love of the written word transcends attachments to form.  I log on, spend a few minutes or hours feeding on the typed and uploaded lines and leave, head full and ready for a nap.
  11. My body can do this.  I am going to Trinidad.  In fact I am pleased to announce that 3 POUNDS OF BODY FAT have been scared off my body since this time last week.
  12. Yoga is like flushing the toilet of the mind.  It rinses my brain clean of all filth allowing me after to slowly fill it again with carefully selected items of my conscious choice.
  13. There are just too many mommy blogs out there!  Sure, I get that stay-at-home moms have more time to devote to blogging and in fact will probably need blogging as a way to get some adult time in their day.  But tell me honestly, when you become a mom do you lose all sense of self?  Is there no other experience that is yours and yours alone?  Does your own DNA lose purpose?  You are all scaring me!!!
  14. I am a lawyer that needs to learn to spend like an accountant.
  15. Solitude is rich ground for growth.  This period of fulfilling my resolution has been so very instructive that it resembles an out-of-body experience.  I get to observe myself.  I see myself rise, I watch myself fall.  I see myself battle to rise again.  In fact I have now seen the systems initiate the sequence that leads me toward a fall and watch it, helpless, as it happens.  I now know each step in the sequence that leads me closer to the fall.  In watching myself I am learning how to override the system, identify the part that needs to be tweaked for the next time so that the sequence is changed and instead of falling I find myself dumped merrily off somewhere a little bit more to the right of disaster and able to see the value of disaster averted.
  16. The older I get the quicker my temper.
  17. Writing is better than therapy.  For me.  I am not so interested in examining the past and the reasons I got to where I am today.  They will be and continue to be what they are.  What I want to know is how to change where I am and what I am doing now so that in my future I wake up where I want to be or somewhere better.  Writing is the mapping of my journey in the direction of this future where I see therapy as wallowing in the mud of yesterday.  CAVEAT:  Not to say no to therapy – there are some of us who need it.  People with a different makeup than mine, a different past,  different raw material, different damage.  This is just the opinion of the Bushlings about the Bushlings.
  18. Dogs are little pieces of God’s love.
  19. I love my Grandmother.  This is not a topic I have opened to the world.  It will stay for some time in the private diary by my bedside.  This weekend my Grandmother and I took the time out of our storms to learn again to enjoy each other.  And I am reminded of the child I was and the playmate and singer and teller of stories that she was, and hopefully will one day be for my children.
  20. Pink makes me look five years younger.  So I was told on Sunday, the day of my relapse when I found myself silent.  Time to go buy out the pink section of the store!
  21. Relapses happen.  We all feel the urge to quit our commitments, to run.  Get dragged into thoughts we shouldn’t entertain.  Fortunately when I relapse I freeze – I haven’t acted to destroy what I have built.  My friends wouldn’t let me.  And I thank them for it.
  22. I love the feel of soil in my hands.  Wet soil smelling like fertilizer and new life is a cologne I think I could get used to.
  23. There are stories and people in my family tree I have yet to learn about.  None of them are boring.
  24. I want to write a book.  And I know now it can be done.  If I can commit to write every day for a year I can take that discipline forward into my first book, can’t I?
  25. Someone wants to hear what I have to say.  My words aren’t left suspended and unwanted in the air.  This amazes me!  There are readers who have been inspired to put their email address in and subscribe to this experiment and commit to receiving an email from me every day.  A part of me never expected my blog to be read.  Now that it is I am driven, committed, humbled and honoured.
  26. There are days when I miss England.  And Aunty.  But I am learning to do the best with where I am and the internet.
  27. I look like my grandfather.  I didn’t know this until recently.  My grandmother looked at me with new eyes and saw her lover, husband, and friend.  He died at sea before I was born but left for me his eyes and his nose.  Mine are the only green eyes in two families of browns, hazels, and blacks.  They have been a mystery to me.  But now I know!
  28. Gossip is a pet peeve of mine.  It is the clearest indicator of ignorance.  Yes we all do it on one level or another and usually inadvertently.  But the knowing and malicious sort I am allergic to.