Opening old wounds

I can’t believe how raw this post today has made me… how naked it makes my heart feel.

But it turns out that the heart is still there, beating under layers and layers of scars.  Perhaps it is better to let sleeping dogs lie, let the scars be, and the fresh scabs become keloid.  It certainly would be easier.  Healing hurts too much!  And it isn’t guaranteed.  Is it?

A wise friend and I spoke recently about pain.  He has studied James with me and we have spoken at length about Considering it Joy.  He has found himself in a place of total brokenness – his body, his work, his family, his reputation, all broken.

But in it he has found peace.

I explained to him that I am completely unaware of any other way of dealing with pain other than attacking or running.  The fight or flight in me is strong when it comes to pain.  There is no middle ground.  Or is there?

He said to me embrace the pain.  Be with it.  Ride it out and let it take you to the lesson.

Hmmmm ok.  I kinda reacted with a flip mmm hmm.  But he didn’t move.  He meant it.  Savor every emotion.  Get to know it and let it know you.  He patiently waited for it to sink in to me.

Embrace it, eh?  Will give it a try before I trash the idea.

Today is a step in that direction.

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KARMA

I left him for a reason.
But I have forgiven him.
The most recent disaster of a man to present himself
was himself a major help in the process.
But is it still my job to protect him?

Or should I leave his ass, newly forgiven, to the fate he deserves?

Do I owe him any loyalty at all?
Or her for that matter?
The her that held my hand through four or five breakups
with him?
Four or five haircuts.
The weak woman that made a poor friend
And then sent HIM to tell me that she’s sleeping with him?

How sick is this very question?
There are so many dirty nasty secrets
she forgot she shared
and really a lesser person would have published by now.
To the embarrassment of them both.
But her dirty loose self most of all
And the truth all should know is
that I have done my best
to be the bigger person.

And I will leave it tonight…
…to a more poisonous bitch than myself…
Karma. Do take over.

Mind Games – What are they good for?

This is the post I intended to publish yesterday.  Funny how things turned out…

When you saw the title you probably thought this was another rant about the manipulation of men and women within relationships, the mind games played in the power struggle.

It is not.

Mind games have a bad rap.  And so, in the interest of being fair to them, I will explore the subject of them a little.  They have virtues as well, don’t they?

In my opinion, what is important in the distinction between a virtuous mind game and a villainous one is who the game is being played on.  The example I am prepared to explore today is the mind game played on the person closest to you.  Right now.  Every day.  Every minute.  The best played mind game is the one played on your SELF.

So, SELF is having a rough day.  Cannot seem to let go of a bad moment.  It could be an embarrassing mistake, an ex boyfriend, a trauma, a betrayal, or just a problem that has grown from a molehill to a mountain in the mind of your SELF.  YOU want to let it go but your SELF doesn’t seem to know how to actually do the deed of dumping it.

Time for a mind game.

  1. For those who are struggling to get your SELF to let go, separate YOU, the sensible part that wants to move on, from SELF who is a being that is all emotion and hurt and bruises and obsession.
  2. Then have a conversation between them.  Out loud.  Take the role of YOU speaking to yourSELF.  For any of you who attempt to deny you have out loud conversations with yourself don’t even bother to try it with me.  If you don’t you are sadly lacking in the basic elements of an interesting personality and we both know boring people do not read this blog.  **wink**
  3. Say “I USED TO” to yourself.  “I used to be upset with my cheating, lying ex boyfriend” or “I used to think I couldn’t get past this hurdle”  or “I used to be hurt by the things my friend (or frenemy) said” or “I used to hate my job”.
  4. Wait for the magic to begin.

Don’t you find that in tricking your mind into thinking something is in the past you are able to open doors to your future?

I was warned by my guru-brother who called me with this idea that this only works for non-physical things.  He gave me an example – a man who feels useless because he has lost one arm.  He can’t say “I used to have a missing arm” and be miraculously healed (D’UH).  BUT, he can say “I used to feel useless because I only had one arm” and all of a sudden all sorts of ideas will flood into his consciousness about how, ok, he used to feel useless but now he feels useful and this is why…

Not fool-proof, of course, but it is a mind game.  The conscious decision expressed out loud to change direction and take your thoughts down a new path.

Give it a go and let me know what you think.