The Grass Argument

I got into an argument yesterday.  It was about my saying something very publicly that I believe wholeheartedly to be true.  The conversation was well-meant and came from the best of places.  But it got me good and hot.

I was told that in my review of a Gathering of Old Men I took away from the power of what I had to say by my mention of the story of the Card Cutter.  I was told that damage could have been done to my credibility and I would have distracted my listeners from the more powerful points that I was making by making reference to my personal experience of relationships and the trend of infidelity in our nation being so prevalent that not one single woman my age on this rock has been left untouched by it.  As if that was not a powerful point in and of itself!  The statement that was the subject of our discussion was that “I, like Carolina in The Card Cutter, and probably every Caymanian woman my age, have lost a man to a “papaw-skinned, straight-haired woman” whose first language was not english.”  I was told that no woman took my man, that he decided to leave.  It galled me that this was exactly my point, except it wasn’t about my man, it was about my society.  I was told that I failed to acknowledge the flip side to the social development of a culture of jilted and divorced women and men taking on submissive and subservient mistresses and wives from other cultures who don’t even speak their language.  This side was presented with the opinion that the Caymanian woman takes relationships for granted and behaves as though she owns her husband.

Let me tell you. I saw the colours of the rainbow.  They treat their husbands like they own them?  That’s because according to God and the law they BLOODY WELL DO.  There is a legal document that says they belong to eachother until death.  Her fighting is usually FOR the relationship to work.  Her control is usually due to her hard-learned and fully justifiable distrust.

Ladies and gentlemen please do not take this as a dislike for other cultures.  I myself am a cross-cultural creation.  This is about fidelity.

I invite the married men in my life and those who catch sight of my written words to consider this.  Invest in your woman.  She has offered her life to you as a deposit.  How you invest determines your return.  She should never be the only one that has holding your family together as her top priority.  I invite you to give to your children the gift that they are entitled to – your devotion and your commitment to them and to their mother.  The grass is never greener on the other side.

Pre-requesites for a husband

Further to my post yesterday, these are the qualifications that the successful (lucky) candidate will possess.

Now, for those of you who KNOW Julius, please allow me the time to clarify that I don’t want a psycho, possessive, cantankerous old fart who follows me everywhere I go, checks my phone and watches me sleep (and shower) with a sharp tendency towards violence.  This song is definitely about Lola.

I need a husband.

I know I know it’s been WEEKS!  It isn’t like me to miss a few days much less this many!  But I have a reasonable excuse.  14 hour days and Saturdays in the office are my excuse.  And I know it’s insane but it is for a time and for a purpose.  I’m tired, I dream about work, my laundry needs to be picked up from the cleaners, my shoes need to go to the cobblers,  I need to make a dentist appointment and take the garbage out and I just can’t get around to doing it.

The answer to all this is a husband.  I think I need one.  A big strong man who can take care of me and do the things that I don’t have time to do.  So that when I collapse into his arms at 9 o’clock he can say “honey I paid the bills today and went to the cleaners and I’m taking you to the dentist and the dogs have been fed and you can just lie here and be my woman right now.”

Sigh… bliss.

Now the idea was presented to one of my near and dear who suggested that, Bushy, what if he’s as busy as you are?  Then the conversation will go a lot more like this: “honey I got my PA to pay the bills today, there’s dinner in the kitchen and the housekeeper went to the cleaners and I’m taking you to the dentist in the morning, there’s a new Fendi bag on the counter that you’ve been wanting for weeks and the housekeeper fed and bathed and groomed the dogs and I’ve paid for it all so you can just lie here and be my woman right now.”

Another friend of mine heard this one out and made another valid suggestion.  What I really need is a wife.

The Platonic Husband

She loves him.  She hates him.  She fights with him.  Sometimes weekly, sometimes daily.  She CAN live without him but for some reason or no reason at all he is in her life.  He is the Platonic Husband.

Every woman has one.  The gay best friend, the man whore she is immune to, the co-worker that calls her up on her lunch hour to bring him her leftovers, her best friend’s brother, her brother’s best friend.  Some are there for life, some are there for a few months, but all have one thing in common.  She would never take him home.

His role is difficult to define – as every Husband is unique so too is every Platonic Husband.  The crux of his role is that he is platonic and that he is all the other things that a husband is.

Pla·ton·ic

[pluh-ton-ik] ( usually lowercase ) purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of the opposite sex.  ~Dictionary.com

The single woman might ask, why on earth do I need a Platonic Husband?  The answer – to keep you from writing off all of man-kind.  Sure, you’ve decided at this point in your life you’d be better off without them.  That doesn’t make men the enemy. …OK… I rephrase… it doesn’t make ALL men the enemy.  Perhaps the greatest advantages to having a Platonic Husband are if he screws up you can walk away easily, it’s socially acceptable to have many of them at one time, and it’s emotionally possible to move on the very same day.  Platonic divorces are free.

Every single woman has one.  Not all of you know that he is a Platonic Husband but this should help you identify him, or them, in your life.

Signs that you might have a Platonic Husband:

  1. He’s second after your Dad on the speed dial list for car trouble.
  2. He lectures you on the do’s and don’ts of dating while you get ready for a big night with a new guy.
  3. You trust him completely with your intimate details – menstrual cycle, crushes, arguments with friends, deep hurts, secret joys.
  4. He tells you things he’d never tell his boys or his wife – like the fact that he has feelings.  And what those feelings are.
  5. No wrong word can be said about you in his presence – or about him in yours.
  6. He thinks all your ex-boyfriends are assholes and has probably told them this.
  7. You do not want to become non-platonic with him.  Something about him turns you off that idea.  Either he’s gay, he’s taken, or he’s such a man whore and you know too much to feel that way about him.  You know all his games and there is no mystery.  NOTE:  Unless he’s gay, its very likely that he finds YOU attractive.  And you either ignore it or pretend it isn’t true.
  8. You argue at least once a week.  The longer the relationship, the less frequent the arguments.  One advantage over the other kind of husband.
  9. He has the patience of Job when explaining football to you.  Or basketball, or cricket, or rugby, or golf, or whatever his chosen waste of time.  It’s a patience he wouldn’t have for his wife or his girlfriend.  Another advantage over the other kind of husband.
  10. He’d never lie to you.  He has no reason to.  If you don’t like what he has to say he knows you’ll fight it out and put it behind you.  Yet another advantage over the other kind of husband.

Live today happily wed.

A famous Platonic Husband - Will of Will and Grace