The The Impotence Of Proofreading

I sent it to my staff and told them I never want to hear about errors in emails again.  And to Bushlette.  And to my mother.  And to my anal retentive English teacher.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OonDPGwAyfQ&playnext=1&list=PL7A6309E73B10D0AD&feature=results_main]

Advertisements

A B****s Prayer

Father prepare me today

to deal with smaller minds

and people who neglect their brains

and think with their behinds.

I pray you give me wisdom

to keep my smart mouth shut

and be reminded as I go

that lofty words can cut.

Please help me to see

that always somewhere in Your plan

You’ve had a role for stupid folk

since the day that time began.

Guide me to understanding

its Your will that will prevail

and if it were left to my lesser wit

all of Your plans would fail.

Steer my thoughts to comprehend

earthly bright as I may be

all pales in comparison

to Your perfection and beauty.

Remind me that our enemy

loves a brainy beast

and uses more the smart than dumb

to herd prey to his feast.

Father prepare me today

to deal with smaller minds

and people who neglect their brains

and think with their behinds.

Walking Naked

Isn’t it amazing how two animals of the same breed and from the same parents can be so different?

Take Lola.  She LOVES to be naked.  Julius sees it as a violation of all things macho and canine – the core values he stands (and pees) for.  Yesterday they were trimmed low low low (to the noyaz as a Caymanian would say).  Ready for the Summer heat and to combat the insect infestation that comes with rainy season.

Take this morning’s walk…

Lola is all smiles and ready to go show off her haircut…

But Juju is like “MAMA WHYYYYYYY!!!  ALL THE OTHER DOGS ARE GONNA LAUGH AT MEEEEEE!!!!!”

Lola prances along like it’s a catwalk… “See mama?  See how the haircut makes me look like I’m smiling?  Isn’t that funny?  Cuz dog’s don’t smile right?”

She dances and pounces, chases other dogs and pulls to the end of her leash.  “Mama try this angle!  What about this one?!  Aren’t I just too cute?!” (Julius – ” Expeditionist Brat”)

But not so my mortified Julius.   He is determined to turn his back to me until I give in and take him inside to hide his shame.  I’m lucky I got a shot of his face!

Don’t you love me? Why do you do this to me?

But turning your back has other disadvantages… and leaves nothing to the imagination.

Please don’t tell him! He’ll never speak to me again!

Busy Season

I’ve been quiet on the Singlestream for a few weeks well.  I’m not dead, and not any less committed to clogging my followers’ inboxes with my stuff.  It’s just Busy Season.

As this blog stretches past the first year and hopefully into many more you will be able to set your calendar by my silence or my dependence on uplifting or nonsensical music videos.  But today I woke up to rainfall outside my window and a little more personal head-space for reflection on the things going on around me – on Busy Season itself:

  1. People are hilarious.  Or maybe it’s just MY people.  But when they are busy they don’t waste energy on hiding their quirks.  And so they pick their noses at their desks without realizing it and don’t butter up the things that slip out of their mouths.  Like “NO.  I don’t have time to scratch my ass… (pause) I mean…(gulp) I’m sorry boss… (terrified smile) I mean, can this wait?”
  2. Busy season is rudely interrupted by rainy season.  You know the April Showers, May Rains and June Floods?  That stuff perfectly describes my workload.  I’d like to have a talk with the Creator right about now.  Can we re-write this script please?  Can you send the rain in about July, when it’s really hot and we really need it?  Because I can’t afford time in traffic when I’ve got 390 renewal contracts to spit out.
  3. Blue tooth ROCKS!  Cops can’t tell when I’m on a conference call until I pull out a pen at 50 miles per hour to take a “quick note” of something I’m gonna have to remember for later.
  4. FACT: It is NOT a good idea to redecorate the house in Busy Season.  What the hell was I thinking?!
  5. Busy Season can make you realize your true feelings.  Either you hate or love your job.  I’m one of the lucky ones – even when I have 28 hours of work to do and everything is due in 24, I know that this “Day from hell” is from a far more acceptable hell than the best day on the job I used to do before.
  6. Water is important.  And so is fibre.  Something often forgotten in Busy Season.  Nuff said.
  7. Busy Season is not something you are ever prepared for.  Every time you spend the months before preparing for the volume, something BIG breaks.  Like the phone system.  Or the printer in the middle of a big contract run.
  8. There are certain things you need to do in the morning to make sure that your co-workers don’t grow to hate you.  Like brushing your teeth.  Or putting on deodorant.  They are not too busy to notice THAT stuff.  Brushing your hair is advisable but not strictly necessary.  These things are best managed with the use of a checklist.  This list should go somewhere where you are sure not to miss it.  Like on the coffee pot.  Bringing backup supplies like deodorant, mirror and toothpaste to work can also help in the inevitable case that you will forget.
  9. An important (but not strictly necessary) thing to remember is that other people have feelings and not just job functions that your job, in turn, depends on.  If you choose to forget or simply do not have the time “to scratch your ass”, please put an appointment in your calendar for the day following the end of busy season to buy cupcakes or donuts for the whole office and sign “I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch” cards for each member of your team.  Please be sure to not go through this apology campaign until AFTER Busy Season is over.  You simply cannot spend the time on it.
  10. Alcohol makes you cranky.  Or should I say MORE cranky.  If, of course, that is possible.  More importantly, it makes you slow.  You being slow, in turn, makes everyone else cranky.  And might drive them to drink.  And then they will come into work cranky and slow.  You see how you are responsible for this?  Therefore, avoid alcohol until after Busy Season.

This post is dedicated to my team.  The deodorant is now in my top drawer, I have put a family-size bottle of Metamucil in the kitchen, and to my PA Mel, please take the petty cash and buy the cards in advance.  Cupcakes July 2.  Mel, please put that as an appointment in my calendar so I don’t forget!

What had happened was…

…I met this girl.  Last night in the club.  A cute kitten too!  Gorgeous redhead.  I swear I thought she was a model.  And she was all over me.  Seriously!  You gotta believe me man!  So… there she was purring and rubbing up next to me on the dance floor.  I was like girl relax!  There’s enough Black Lightning to go around – he’s not goin’ anywhere.  In fact I’ll be here all week!   Soon enough she had me running for the door.  She was tellin’ me this and tellin’ me that and how she has never taken a black cat home before.

So we get to her place and start to get close.  She slipped into something comfortable.  And I slipped outta my pants.  And then…

Black Lightning Walk of Shame

… HER HUSBAND WALKED IN!