It was a blur of calls to clients, making sure the checks were cut, the bills both corporate and personal paid, instructions left with the helper, the assistant, provisions made for the care of my canine children, duties distributed to employees, bags packed, passport in hand, and currency enough for one week carefully stashed in safe and secret places.
For the past few weeks – perhaps even months – I have operated on fumes as fuel quickly burned off from my last replenishing vacation. So much strived for, battled against, lost and accomplished. My mind and body and spirit screamed at me as I reamed out first gear. Begging for a time in PARK. Rest. Stop. Quiet. Nothing.
And so I got on a plane knowing rest would not be available to me at home with the needs of friends, family, co-workers, employees, animals ever present and pressing. I was delivered safe and sound to Kingston airport by Cayman Airways, stood none-too-patiently for an hour and a half ot get my passport stamped (thinking all the time I would FIRE the person who scheduled five flights at once!) and was collected lovingly by my brother and his girlfriend.
Rest is what I came for. But fear is what I came with.
It has been 48 hours and already I’m going crazy. I am a ball of pure unreasonable resistance.
There is no rest in my weariness, no relief in my repose. Today I tossed and turned as my tummy twisted in turmoil – perhaps a tummy bug but more likely the fear that if I succumb to this quiet I will lose something. Or find something I don’t want to find.
But instead it found me. The predator long of tooth and sharp of claw has waited for my quiet to make his presence known. He takes the thoughts of my mind and roughly yanks them toward himself, a part of myself, the part I run from with my meetings and engagements, my sushi and coffee dates, the problem solving sessions for the problems of others, my busyness and business. He is the part that is left last to fall asleep at night. I push myself daily to breaking point to make our nightly encounters brief so that when my head hits the pillow I am too exhausted to feel his bite into the artery of the neck of my soul. This piece of my soul called by the male gender for his ability to hurt me, known best by the smell of lonely tears about to burst, and fears of childless and loveless futures, is most dangerous when his presence prompts regret and self doubt. Never have I left behind a love that did not need leaving and my brain knows this but this animal asks me like a spoiled and nagging child over and over and over and over… “are you sure?” “would you not be better there than here alone with me?” “are you sure?”.
Already on this quest to rest this bastard has wrung tears from my dry eyes. My challenge is to find peace and not be won over by the compulsion in my nature to work myself to the bone and into a state so distracted by tiredness that his voice is lost in the babble. For tonight I must lose myself – especially this hungry, febrile, visceral part of myself – in the peace of simply BEING.
Pray for me.