It is 3:35 a.m. on the fourth night in a row that I have been awakened by lightning and thunder. The big dogs have come slinking from their couches into the bedroom, much to the resistance of the small ones who are curled snug in the blankets. Quieting frayed canine nerves at this ungodly hour under flashes of unearthly light could be a real drain. But it isn’t. It is the hour of the wolf after all. The hour for intuitive work and self knowing.
Almost every night of storming I have dreamed of healing. The first night I dreamed that I had awakened in the bright morning light and that the windows had been left open. The sunlight covered my face in a wide ribbon ending at my chin. I blinked at the brightness of it and had my first waking thought “MAN this is bright! I could be sunburned right here in this bed!” Then I noticed that the light was cool and soft in spite of being incredibly bright. Surprised and comforted, I closed my eyes without having moved at all and went back to sleep. In the morning when I woke up it was dark in the room. The bedroom blinds were drawn so tight that morning had to struggle to prove herself through the cracks. There was no way I could have been bathed in sunlight or even moonlight through such windows. That is when I realized it must have been a dream.
Tonight lightning woke me from another dream. In this one I was waking from days in a coma. It may even have been months. I was not in a hospital, but somewhere beautiful surrounded by nature. Two of my close friends were standing vigil over me and were overjoyed to see me awake. The rejoicing at my return was so beautiful I got caught up in the joy of it. And I was hungry.
These dreams coincide with a real life healing that feels nothing short of miraculous. I have been so full of joy in my waking life that it makes no sense to me! Over the past year I have battled dark thoughts and feelings, the depths of which I have never seen in any dark period before. But quite suddenly this seems to have come to an end! It was on Sunday night that I had my first fit of giggles sparked off by my God daughter throwing the funniest tantrum because she was trying to beat her playmate into wanting to play with her. It’s ok – she’s three. I laughed so hard that the tears were running down my face. And then yesterday afternoon, in a training session hosted by one of my team that I had requested weeks before, on wry word became the most debilitating fit of giggles I have had in years. As the tears rolled down my face I found myself astonished at the well of bubbles, joy and mirth I had stumbled upon inside myself. Against all odds, the odds that are killing people every day in a world that seems to have gone crazy, I have found healing. It has been a revelation from God or the Universe and it has struck as bright as a bit of lightning.
Even now my front yard flashes an unearthly bright, giving glimpses of trees soaked to the skin on the slope now slick with sky water. I settle under the soft microfibre blanket patterned with leaves and the word “Blessing” all over it and watch the show. I am flanked by my four dogs, finding comfort in the closeness. The rain washes the roof in a steady drumming heard inside the cabin like an army of marching faeries. More and more time passes between the flashes of light and the air splitting sound – a sign the storm is moving on.
God heals and reveals in his own time.
MY HAPPY LIST – Things I have been doing differently this past two weeks…
- Listening to A Course In Miracles on Audible.
- Allowing myself to get angry with my ex boyfriend. I’ve been avoiding anger, and maybe by doing so slowed my own healing.
- Spending three hours on Skype with one of my best girlies in Canada.
- Running frequently and longer and longer distances.
- Reviving this Singlestreaming blog.
- Reading my abandoned manuscript for the book I began two years ago.
- Ballsing up and having some difficult conversations in my life and in my work. Turns out they weren’t that difficult.
- Voicing a heart-felt response to the killings in the world.
- Building my tribe with lunches and coffees and yoga classes.
- Finishing a new painting “The Cooling”
- Stocking my fridge with food regularly.
- Giving away the beer in the fridge that I bought for the ex. I don’t even drink the stuff.
- Long baths and yoga classes.
- Reading my favorite book of poetry before bed every night.
- Choosing to let go of “low-life” love. You know, the kind where they are doing the best they can where they are but it isn’t even a drop in the bucket of what you need or deserve? It’s a term my girlie on above-mentioned Skype convo and I came up with about her ex cheating on her and being mean. That love was probably the best he was capable of, but definitely not worthy of her.
- Calls with one of my favorite people in Jamaica.
- Sending stupid jokes to my brother in Canada and having him spit out his drink.
- Writing my morning pages (practices from the Artist’s Way) in the room that gets the best morning sun.