CONTEND AGAINST THEM!

Ever have one of those days when you’d like to BLOW SOME $&!+ up??  I’m praying for Wisdom as James 1 has instructed me.

My prayer:

“Contend, Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me. 2 Take up shield and armor; arise and come to my aid. 3 Brandish spear and javelin against those who pursue me. Say to me, “I am your salvation.”

4 May those who seek my life be disgraced and put to shame; may those who plot my ruin be turned back in dismay. 5 May they be like chaff before the wind, with the angel of the Lord driving them away; 6 may their path be dark and slippery, with the angel of the Lord pursuing them.

7 Since they hid their net for me without cause and without cause dug a pit for me, 8 may ruin overtake them by surprise— may the net they hid entangle them, may they fall into the pit, to their ruin. 9 Then my soul will rejoice in the Lord and delight in his salvation. 10 My whole being will exclaim, “Who is like you,Lord? You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, the poor and needy from those who rob them.”

11 Ruthless witnesses come forward; they question me on things I know nothing about. 12 They repay me evil for good and leave me like one bereaved. 13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth and humbled myself with fasting. When my prayers returned to me unanswered, 14 I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother. 15 But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee; assailants gathered against me without my knowledge. They slandered me without ceasing. 16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked;they gnashed their teeth at me.

17 How long, Lord, will you look on? Rescue me from their ravages, my precious life from these lions. 18 I will give you thanks in the great assembly; among the throngs I will praise you. 19 Do not let those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; do not let those who hate me without reason maliciously wink the eye. 20 They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land. 21 They sneer at me and say, “Aha! Aha! With our own eyes we have seen it.”

22 Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent. Do not be far from me, Lord. 23 Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord. 24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God; do not let them gloat over me. 25 Do not let them think, “Aha, just what we wanted!” or say, “We have swallowed him up.”

26 May all who gloat over my distress be put to shame and confusion; may all who exalt themselves over me be clothed with shame and disgrace. 27 May those who delight in my vindication shout for joy and gladness; may they always say, “The Lord be exalted, who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness, your praises all day long.”

Psalm 35.  Of David.  And tonight, of Bushlings.

Now it is just for me to sit tight and wait.  The resolution will come, perfectly complete, brutally just, and at the right time.

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CRANKY

Alarm clock screaming splits the junk
Of the dream to which I’d sunk.
Before my eyelids part their ways
I sense it is one of those days.
Milk is curdled, coffee cold,
Mirror tells me I look old,
Boss just sent an angry text,
Heaven knows that I am vexed.
Traffic drags and tire squeals,
Day too full to take my meals,
Important meeting, feeling manky,
Dammit, why am I so cranky?
Crawling home, caffeine long gone,
To a garbage littered lawn.
The killer temper just lets fly-
Surely today the dog must die!
But lifted fist falls limp aside,
Overcome by the rising tide.
The anger simmers but defeated
By a fuel tank long depleted.
Hot water washes over me
My bed alone I want to see
Before sleep conquers I will pray
For a better tomorrow than my today.

C.R.I.S.I.S.

Best laid plans fail.  Everything hurtled to a halt yesterday and I am in a complete C.R.I.S.I.S.  Four things broke, snowballing from small things to the final earthquake that may or may not shake my world for a while.

1. Lola broke Snow White.  My first orchid.  My little dog, beautiful and innocent looking, chewed off her blooms and snapped her stalk in two.  It shocked me and upset me.  But not as much as the second thing that broke.

2. My time budget was stretched to the point of breaking.  The week of work was so intense that I put off errands and meetings and dates to Saturday and Saturday came with too few hours to get everything done.  But more important things broke.

3. I broke my commitment to post every day.  Two months of writing every single morning and sharing with the world fell victim to my poor time management and the crisis I now find myself in.

4. The Crisis.  The third thing I broke.  I have broken my resolution.  And I don’t know when it happened or how it happened but it did happen.  Yesterday is when I realized for the past several months there has been an elephant in the room of my head.  Perhaps it started as a mouse and then became an elephant calf.  But by the time I became aware of its presence it was an adult elephant, taking up space in my head and being ignored.

I have been lying to myself.  I am, and for some time have been, emotionally affected by a man.

There.  I said it.  And even still I am lying.  Affected is such a euphemism.  So much so that it isn’t true.  I have no idea how big this is but right now, like the sky, it is ALL I CAN SEE.  What I have convinced myself for months was a mild irritation with someone I convinced myself was a friend I am absolutely not attracted to turned out to be something completely different.  My hair has been an excuse and even that was employed to perpetuate lies I told myself.  I cut it again in order to keep avoiding this thing that completely terrifies me.

Today I have an apology to make because not only did I lie to myself, I lied every day on this blog.  I didn’t know I was lying, of course, but I wasn’t authentic, I haven’t been true to my nature.  Honesty is a thing I value above almost every other thing and today I am humbly coming clean.

For months I have run circles around myself.  I have run from him and from my own truth.  I have employed survival mechanism after survival mechanism and avoided the essence of who I am in this place in which I find myself.  I have severed ties (he didn’t let me), fought tooth and nail for my space (he won), argued (he argued better) and denied everything.  I have despised and ill-treated him as he worked around me to be my friend.  All without even realizing what I was doing.

And then yesterday the clouds parted.  And I am completely terrified.  I feel like I have failed.  I am overwhelmed by the need to run.  Fast.

But I have no idea what the right thing to do is.  Do I run TO or do I run FROM?

For the moment I will freeze.  And pray.  Perhaps the feeling will pass.