This idea hasn’t formed completely and I will probably bleed into the Singlestream as I write today. This has been a week of bravery. But I realize that what is said of the concept of bravery is true – Bravery is not an absence of fear but action in spite of fear.
Today I expressed this to a girlfriend at lunch and mulled over it. I am exhausted, I haven’t been eating well or sleeping well or doing anything well this week. Spent out on bravery. And I realize, in truth, although I’m brave, I would love to be fearless. My question to her was can you imagine what that must be like? To have no fears and need to conquer and prove nothing at all? What a freedom it must be to walk into a room full of people and own it.
She said it takes multiple acts of bravery to reach a place of fearlessness. That shut me up for some time as my thoughts swirled. Indeed it’s true! Repeated facing of the same fear makes you lose your fear of it. And then you’re on to the next one. But surely it must be a great freedom to get there.
And then the thought struck me – it is a journey. There will always be something to fear, a new terror to face, a new accomplishment to feel. If you are fearless you must be crazy. And you must be made crazy, if not by the absence of fear at least by the absence of the sense of accomplishment that comes with facing a fear and obliterating it.
To be fair it’s me that feels obliterated right now and not my fear. Not so accomplished today.
Even the thoughts as best written as the crowded mind can handle are exhausted.