The last few weeks have been spent under a dark and dense cloud of a migraine. My mom gave me some Excedrin Migraine – something that hasn’t failed me before, especially early on. But little did I know that the Boogie Man would hold me for 16 looooooooong days.
They blur together. There were a few when I worked from home, ccontrolled my own lighting and had a few naps. Then there was the one when working from home finally gave way to moaning in bed all day. And then there was the one when I went to Doctor O and got hooked up to some drug by IV that eased it a bit but didn’t take it away. And the next day when Doctor O put me on something strong and sexy with big muscles and knocked me out pain free for a few hours. Left me weak in the knees that beauty did. There is a hazy break which might have been a few days long and then came the day when I couldn’t walk or move and ended up vomiting and then in A&E and on some other pills. Still no answers to tests that explain anything. Now I’m being referred out of town to have my head examined by a specialist in my kind of head problems.
It all sounds super exciting but I can assure you that after day four I had begun to lose the will to live.
In between the moments that were dominated by the urge to self-decapitate, a few lucid thoughts filtered through. Perhaps the haircut didn’t get it all out of my system…. perhaps I’ve really gone and done it this time with the social self-harm and this is just the physical extension to my punishment for what I have put myself through with silly ignorance (sorry. relapse. keeping eye on resolution.) And the idea began to germinate, probably fed by the drugs.
I have been three days pain free and will not go there again. As soon as the hurricane began to dissipate from inside my head I decided it was time to fix this, quit twiddling around with the idea, hold myself to account and leak out all of the energy that has been bursting like a pressure-cooker around the cranium into a channel resembling something useful and constructive. And so here is my first leak of practical, totally Bushlings advice.
Caveat – Opinion of this unqualified blogger.
- Take note – If you frequently suffer migraines begin to take note of what you are experiencing during the day that it begins – what you are eating, how you feel immediately before the pain begins.
- Start a headache diary – write down the pre-headache sensation, also called an “aura” (double vision, bright lights, tunneled vision are mine), write down what you have eaten, what you did that first day.
- Bad people – It might be useful to take note of the unpleasant and poisonous people you have contact with on the given day your headache starts so you know whose coffee to slip laxative into. (see caveat above)
- DO IT – Slip the laxative into the coffee. Don’t hold back. Your boss, mother-in-law, co-worker, or just some pain in the rear you bump into on a regular. The sight of them running to the loo kinda tilted to the side and clutching their departure gate could prevent the onset or continuation of a migraine. And if it will get you fired or a divorce, please see caveat above. You can just visualize (visualizing is for wimps). Laughter, no matter how sinister, is the very best medicine. (Visine is said to work like a charm. Not that I’d really know of course)
- Super Pill – Hit the pain with a super-pill as soon as it starts. Your super pill might be Excedrin Migraine. Or it might be something in the next weight class up and prescribed by your doctor. My lovely Doctor O (who will probably be scandalized by this entry) has done me the great honour of prescribing something called Maxalt Melts. Whoever makes them, if you’re reading this, please send the money to my account in the Cayman Islands. I cannot stop singing your praises and it’s gotta be worth something.
- Darkness – Take the pill at the beginning and lock yourself in a dark room with a pillow under your head, a pillow on each side of your head, and a frozen washrag over your forehead. The washrag does two things – freezes the brain and blocks out the light. Photo sensitivity is a classic sign of a migraine. In other words light is the devil and should be shunned.
- Doctor – If all of the above do not head off your migraine in the first twenty-four hours, go to your doctor for sexy big-muscle drugs. Likely to be in needle or IV form. But I promise you, at this point the needle is the more effective of the two possible cures – the bullet to the brain is a far less favourable option.
- Foods to avoid – The lists are all over the internet. Nuts seem to be my trigger (the irony) but coffee actually seems to help. Coffee, chocolate, tea, cheeses, especially aged cheeses, red wine and nuts are all common triggers. I am convinced all alcohol should be blamed and red wine should not be discriminated against just because of its luxurious and satisfying taste (see caveat).
- Hydration – What works for me is coconut water. I am blessed with access to the best coconut water, created and tampered with by no one but God himself, but the canned stuff will do. Gallons of coconut water.
- Crying – It actually helped! Perhaps the only time that crying doesn’t give you a headache is when you already have one.
- Throw it all away – If you feel the need to vomit do it. It is shocking how much relief this creates! Don’t force it please, especially if it is already part of your daily routine (you know who you are and you’re usually skinny). After the first purge please go to your doctor – too much of anything is never a good thing. And coconut water right after will rehydrate.
- Maybee….-I’m sure a good orgasm has to have some benefit but this blog is all about me not knowing. But honestly, who wants all that when your head is exploding? Ok ok I won’t judge.
Be pain free! Enjoy your Wednesday!